I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
