420 ftw
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
