The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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