I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
