Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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