I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
