You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
