Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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