textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
