"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
