guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
