We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
