I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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