yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
