Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
