I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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