Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
