filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
