You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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