my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
