If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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