you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
