Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
