Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
