Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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