your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
