If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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