You really coming over, don't trick.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
