Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
