I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
