I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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