hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
