I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I didn't notice because vodka
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
