Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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