I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
