I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
