he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
