i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
being pregnant is like rehab
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
