some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
