I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
