my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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