his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
