I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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