Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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