woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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