why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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