I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
