I accidentally burped into my bong.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
organizing the empties. That sober.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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