I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
