Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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